 How It Works... |
 How It Looks To Him... |
 How It Looks To Her... |
-- Advertisement,
EE Times,
June 1998
|
How It Works... |
How It Looks To Him... |
How It Looks To Her... |
JIM DELANEY: Mildred, the man at the bed and breakfast gave this place his highest personal recommendation - five chile peppers.
MILDRED DELANEY: That's fine, dear. But you know I don't like spicy food. It…disagrees with me.
JIM: Don't worry, sweetie. Those chile peppers are just a rating system, that's all -- like five stars at the movies. Doesn't mean the food is hot, necessarily.
MILDRED: That's nice, dear.
JIM: The man says they've got a strain of mutant chile peppers down here, 'round Alamogordo. Been that way ever since they tested the bomb in the 40s. Highly weed-resistant, and don't need any water. Farmers love 'em.
MILDRED: That's interesting, dear.
JIM: Man said the Roswell aliens took some seeds back home with them to the Pleiades, but didn't have any luck growing them in other star systems. Apparently, the best place in the entire galaxy to raise mutant chile peppers is right here in New Mexico.
MILDRED: That's fine, dear. But don't you think we should order now?
JIM: Sure, if we can get hold of a waitress…
WAITPERSON: How are you folks this evening? Did you have a pleasant journey from your home, just outside of Cleveland, Ohio?
JIM (flustered): Why, sure…but how did you know…
WAITPERSON: I'm sure you'll need refreshment after the full yet enjoyable day you've had, visiting such popular local attractions as Bandelier National Monument, The Palace of The Governors, and The William Vincent Art Gallery. May I interest you in some drinks? A Gin and Tonic for you, Mr. Delaney, with Bombay Sapphire? A frozen strawberry Margarita for you, Mrs. Delaney, with no salt?
MILDRED (to Jim, astonished): Why, that handsome young man seems to know everything about us!
JIM (incredulous) Man? Mildred, if I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times, get those eyes of yours examined! Can't you see that…
WAITPERSON (interrupting): Now folks, please remember that traveling, though enjoyable, can also be stressful. You're in strange surroundings here, away from friends, family, and the comforts of home. Please allow me to make you as comfortable as possible by bringing you those drinks.
JIM: O.K., sure.
MILDRED (curiously): Is anything wrong, Dear? You seem hot and bothered, all of a sudden.
JIM: (covering): Nothing, Dear. It's just that girl…the waittress…she's so pretty…
MILDRED (perplexed): Girl? Waittress? But Dear, there's no…
WAITPERSON: How are you folks doing? Is everything okay? Can I get you anything?
JIM (startled): Why no, little lady, everything's fine.
WAITPERSON: Well, you folks just let me know if you need anything, okay?
MILDRED: Now Jim, honestly -- I'm beginning to worry about you. Did you remember to recharge your heart batteries this morning? What's this about a waitress?
WAITPERSON: How are you folks doing? Is everything fine? Can I get you anything?
MILDRED (rattled): Why no, young man, we're fine.
WAITPERSON: Well, you folks just let me know if you need anything, okay?
BUSBOY: Who's got the Margarita?
MILDRED: That's mine, thank you.
BUSBOY: And the Gin and Tonic?
JIM: Well, that would have to be me, young man.
BUSBOY: Right. The FISH will be back to take your order in a minute.
JIM (perplexed): The fish?
BUSBOY: It's an acronym. "Food Industry Service Hologram." We've got the only one in the whole State. Don't you yahoos ever read the paper?
MILDRED: Jim, did that young man mean our waiter is some kind of…robot?
JIM: Not a robot, dear. A three-dimensional spatial image reproduced from a pattern of interference produced by a split coherent beam of radiation.
MILDRED: (astonished): You mean, he isn't real?
JIM: Sure, she's real. As real as Hollywood. As real as Eldorado. As real as tax relief. Remarkable thing about holograms. You take away one piece of the picture, you still get the whole picture. You lose detail, but the image stays intact.
MILDRED (impatient): But how can that…that thing…bring us our dinner?
JIM: It can't, dear. That's why the busboy brought us our drinks. And somebody else will bring us our food, and somebody else will take our money - unless we pay by credit card, in which case the hologram can probably handle it.
MILDRED: I think I get it…
JIM: The hologram can convey information, like a computer, but it can't do anything in the physical world. For that, you need a real human being, thank God.
FAHEY: Excuse me, folks, but I couldn't help overhearing what you were saying about "Bobbi," your holographic waittperson. Bobbi may be limited, as you say, to information delivery, retrieval, and processing - but you can rest assured, we're working day and night to extend the capabilities of our holograms into what the engineering boys call "Meatspace."
MILDRED (baffled): "Meatspace?"
FAHEY: Give us a few years, and I guarantee you our holograms
will be able to bring you drinks, take your money, even (here,
Fahey winks and smiles sardonically at Jim Delaney) rub your tired
shoulders after a long, hard day at the office.
JIM: But how…
FAHEY: Now, you folks must understand, I can't reveal our company's plans and directions unless you've signed a proprietary non-disclosure agreement. Hold on just a second.
FAHEY: Sign these, and I'll tell you about our plans for Bobbi III - she's a hum-dinger. No need to read the fine print - just a lot of technical mumbo-jumbo and legalese.
FAHEY: Okay, so -- Bobbi I - your holographic waitperson - is shipping now. Bobbi II is in beta testing, and Bobbi III is being introduced to potential customers such as yourself under non-disclosure.
MILDRED: But we don't want to buy one! We're just curious…
FAHEY (unstoppable): Bobbi III will feature a unique, software-driven holographic interface feeding into a wireless high-frequency SQUID network - that's Superconducting Quantum Interference Device, in case you're wondering. SQUID is going to make first- and second-generation holograms look like something out of the Flintstones!
JIM: How so?
FAHEY: Well, I really shouldn't talk about this, but SQUID grew out of some extremely top-secret development work done by our boys up at the labs. Basically, we create a pattern of localized high-energy waves that interferes with your basic perceptive faculties on a cellular level - particularly, hearing and seeing. These waves affect your brain's neurons and synapses. We can fire them off and on any way we want to -- the high-tech equivalent of a player piano roll. We can make you see what we want you to see, and hear what we want you to hear.
JIM: That's incredible…
FAHEY: You bet it is. I've seen some prototypes, and they're damn convincing. Of course, there's still a lot of work to be done, but we've come a long way so far.
JIM (morosely): I suspect this little gadget of yours will change the rules, a bit.
FAHEY: Change the rules? We're going to burn the rule book!
MILDRED (indignantly): But suppose…suppose I don't want you controlling my brain…telling me what to think! And what to feel! Suppose you program that thing to make us think we've had our dinner, when you actually haven't served us any food at all? And suppose you charge us for the dinner anyway? How would we know?
FAHEY (sotto voice, to Jim): That's a smart little lady you've got there, Bud. (Then, to Mildred) You can rest assured, Ma'am, that our company's products will always be used in a fully ethical and honorable fashion by our valued customers. You have my personal guarantee…