"PLACEBO SOFTWARE"
by Steven Salemi

What's bugging the Guru this week, you ask? Well, okay, you didn't ask. But I'm going to tell you anyway.

What's bugging me this week is "Placebo Software."

Placebo Software is a new type of software. If you've never heard of it, that's because I invented the product category myself, just yesterday. But the software itself has been around a long time -- unfortunately.

Like placebo pills, Placebo Software costs money, but doesn't really do anything.

If you fold it like a Boomerang,
maybe it will come back to you!

Webster's defines a placebo as "a medication prescribed more for the mental relief of the patient than for its actual effect on a disorder."

And that about sums up Placebo Software.

Actually, I wish Placebo software was simply harmless or useless. But Placebo Software is far worse. Placebo software promises to help you, but can actually mess up your system badly.

This is one case where the cure is far worse than the disease.

Now, I can't name names, because we'll have a bunch of lawyers calling the Ashram, threatening to send The Guru to Prison.

Don't worry, The Good Doctor has one magic pill
that will cure all your computing ills...

Actually, if I were to name these products myself, I would give them names like this:

"You're too cheap to spend $ 50 on memory chips, so why not Spend $ 50 on Ram Quintupler instead? For no additional cost, you can introduce into your system vast new possibilities for system conflicts and software crashes and lost data."

Or:

"Remove absolutely anything and everything, especially important system files and programs that are required for the effective operation of your system. Be sure to put aside an entire three-day weekend to get things back where they belong so your machine can function exactly as it did before you even thought of buying this product -- if you're lucky!"

And of course:

"Without your knowledge or consent, dial up the internet automatically, scour the world wide web for product updates you don't need and which haven't been tested with your system, and kill all the drivers and programs which you're using now and which work absolutely fine. At the same time, be sure to MISS the occasional updated driver or program that WOULD improve your system performance.!"

Now, I ask my listening audience: if these products were named THAT way, how many copies of the software would be sold? Not many. But that's what you're up against when you use them.

Placebo Software?  Go for it!
What do you have to lose?

Who was it that said there was a sucker born every minute? Was it W.C. Fields, or P.T. Barnum, or H.L. Mencken?

Well, whoever said it, these products are for suckers, gang. Save your receipts and maybe, just maybe, you can convince the nice woman at the counter of your local Office Superstore to take the software back, even though you already opened the box.

Failing that, I know some very competent, highly-paid computer consultants with time in their schedules. Do you want me to give them your phone number?