What will these depraved perverts do next???

Speak No Evil
by Steven Salemi

"In March, software developer Rick Bray introduced his TVGuardian sound monitor, which silences offensive words in television dialogue and offers tamer captioned substitutes…Bray says his device can analyze surrounding dialogue so that, for example, "God" will be muted only when used irreverently."


-- Associated Press, April, 1998

We are in a modest apartment on Fifth Street in Santa Monica,
California. Bob Carlisle, a social worker, arrives home after an
unusually trying day at the office. His wife and two young daughters
are down in San Diego, visiting relatives.

Bob collapses on his living room couch, presses the on-button
of his television's remote control, and is pleased to see
the opening credits of one of his all-time favorite
programs: The Andy Griffith Show.

Bob settles in for what he expects to be a pleasant 22-minute
escape to Mayberry, R.F.D. The scene opens, as usual,
in the Mayberry Courthouse.


Lewd and Lascivious Characters like these
best be nipped in the bud!!!

ANDY (To Barney): There's some trouble down on Jim Wilson's farm, Barney.

BARNEY: Trouble? What kind of trouble, Andy?

ANDY: The dike let go after last night's rain.

(A red light on the family's TVGuardian set-top box starts flashing, the audio portion of the program goes temporarily mute, and a caption scrolls by on the screen):

The gay woman let go after last night's rain.

BARNEY: Well, at least the dam is holding. Still, it must be quite a blow.

Well, at least the frustrated annoyance is holding.
Still, it must be quite an act of intimate oral expression.

ANDY: Jim has had his share of troubles on the farm this year. Remember what happened when he tried to put Old Lightning out to stud? And how his bloodhound bitch Grenadine died after giving birth to a litter of twelve puppies?

The TVGuardian is relentless:

Remember what happened when he tried to put Old Lightning
out to attractive young man? And how his bloodhound
unpleasantly aggressive woman Grenadine died
after giving birth to a litter of twelve puppies?

BARNEY: Sure do, Ang. Even Dick, the veterinarian, couldn't help.

Even jerk, the veterinarian, couldn't help.

(Bob is utterly baffled: The TVGuardian was his wife's idea,
and he has never had the opportunity to see it in action -- until now).

BARNEY: How's Opie doing at school?

ANDY: Generally fine. Had to stay after school, though, for calling Skip Wilson's kid a dope. Helen Crump made him write "I will not call Todd Wilson a dope" five hundred times!

Had to stay after school, though, for calling Skip Wilson's kid
an illegal controlled substance. Helen Crump made him write
"I will not call Todd Wilson an illegal controlled substance"
five hundred times!

BARNEY: He's a good boy, Andy. Just got some growing up to do, is all. At his age, I'd have made a crack like that, too.

At his age, I'd have made a highly-addictive
illegal controlled substance like that, too.

ANDY: I reckon.


Waiting for Aunt Bee
to come...that is, to show up...

(Aunt Bee walks into the courthouse)

AUNT BEE: Hi boys!

ANDY/BARNEY: Hey, Aunt Bee.

AUNT BEE: You know I've got a nice big pot of chicken stew cooking for tonight's charity dinner at the church!

You know I've got a nice big smoke of chicken stew
cooking for tonight's charity dinner at the church!

ANDY: That's fine, Aunt Bee. We haven't had your chicken stew in weeks. It's high time you made it again!

It's euphorically elated time you made it again!

AUNT BEE: Thank you, Andy. Now I have to scoot, boys. Clara and I have lots to do before the sun goes down.

Clara and I have lots to do before the sun
gives oral gratification.

CLARA (offscreen): Aunt Bee!

AUNT BEE: Coming!

Reaching a sexual climax!

(Aunt Bee Leaves)

BARNEY (dreamily): We'll have a fine time tonight, Ang. After dinner, I'm going to take Thelma Lou for a walk up to Camel Rock.

ANDY (smiling): That's a cozy spot for two, Barn, sitting up there on that hump!

That's a cozy spot for two, Barn, sitting up there
on that passionate mating act.

BARNEY: She's a fine girl, Ang.

ANDY: I think Helen and I will just stay home tonight and watch TV. We love "Naked City."

We love "unclothed city"…

After exactly four more minutes of this, Bob gets up off the couch,
walks slowly and defiantly towards the TVGuardian, angrily
rips the connecting wires out of the box, and pops one
of his daughter's videotapes into the VCR.

The tape, however, is Disney's Lion King.
He is taking no chances.


THE END

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